The In Between (Christian Dating)
By: Eunice Kays
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second one is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself.
From the above-quoted scripture in Mark 12:29-31 and Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus commands us to love GOD FIRST. Loving God first and foremost must transcend beyond an Instagram caption or Facebook post claiming we “Put God First”. Let’s admit, half the time we do not understand what the magnitude of what Jesus said truly entails. It is easy to say we put God first, but Jesus means we must LIVE IT OUT.
…with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength?
Today is Valentine’s Day—a good or bad day, depending on your personal take on the occasion. It may be one of the worst days, because just when you got over being alone on Christmas Day, another day of celebration pops up—no flowers, no chocolate, no boyfriend or girlfriend. On the other hand, “V-Day” may be one of the best days—you flaunt your partner to the social media world, display the gifts you received, indulge in an assortment of chocolates and other treats, go out for dinner, and/or perhaps become engaged.
But, this is where we need to halt just for a few moments to reflect on what actually matters.
What does all of this love-showcasing really mean? Is it a common phenomenon to jump into a relationship for the sake of avoiding loneliness, even if it costs us our happiness? Are people actually happy in their relationships? When should we date as Christians? What is the proper way of dating, and who says so? What is the most important principle in dating as a Christian? These are all the questions that come to mind, perhaps magnified by the celebrations of the day.
So, let’s take up the latter question.
When it comes to Christian dating, we often hear a plethora of different, sometimes contradicting, relationship advice: Date for at least a year. Do not date for more than a year. Go out with other people or date in groups. Make sure you only date with the intention of marriage. You can only date when you finish school. Establish clear boundaries. Date more than one person before getting serious. Ensure you have someone whom you are accountable to. By nature, this brings up many questions with answers that can go either way.
But, what is the fundamental purpose of dating, and life in general?
This shifts our focus away from the differences in opinions we might have, to God.
Our highest goal as a Christian is to bring glory to God. Even in our romantic relationship, God must be glorified. Admittedly, it isn’t a walk in the park. Presumably, the person you are “dating” has captured your emotions, your attention, and your heart. You want to please this man or woman, and so you do everything you can to do just that. BUT, there is a danger in directing all your attention to your partner, rather than God first.
God is love. (1 John 4:8)
God is the very epitome of love; therefore, we can only discover what it truly means to love—beyond just emotions, it requires sacrifice—through the One Who is Love. The more we grow in our knowledge of and love for God, the more we understand how to love our partner. We cannot truly love anyone else if we do not love God first and most. We are simply incapable of doing so. Likewise, no one will truly love you if they do not love God more than you. This is because our deepest joy, satisfaction, and rest is found in God.
We are flawed, and even our greatest attempt at loving another person will fall short, because it will be based on emotions, which are often unpredictable. We must focus on God, learn to love Him, be satisfied in Him, and rest in His love, in order to date well. We must understand that our highest purpose is to worship and honour God.
God understands our longing for companionship and need for love. Even in a state of brokenness, God is interested in healing the broken-hearted and binding up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). But, let us remember that single or dating, we are called to be the light of this world and a conduit of God’s love. If we are dating as Christians, we have a responsibility to sharpen one another, and to continuously grow in knowledge and love for God.
Reflection
When we reflect on our relationship, is God’s guidance evident? Do we depend on our partner for fulfillment? For validation? For satisfaction? Is the foundation of our love for our partner that of our love for God first?
It is my sincere prayer that we bear these reflective questions in mind and come to a deep understanding that we can only truly love another person when we LOVE GOD FIRST. My hope is that we do not feel the pressure to rush into a relationship to share in the festivities and commodities of this day. Christian dating must be done with purpose and direction from God. It must be guided by and deeply rooted in the everlasting and perfect love of God. In your singleness, seek God, find Him, grow in love for Him, and rest in His love—He is using this season to prepare you for greater things He has in store.
We are truly, deeply, intimately, and perfectly loved by God.